Take Control of Choices for Healthier Relationships

Nov 9, 2009 by Nash Mourad

The myth that we are more important or worthy than other people is the primary cause of all conflict. Changing that outlook to one of equality empowers us to have relationships that are peaceful and compassionate.

That change begins with understanding that we choose how we perceive others and our relationships. Past and present situations and exterior forces and events do not determine our state of mind, feelings or the quality of our relationships. We do.

It is critical to understand that where relationships occur is in your mind. This does not refer to the space between your ears. It refers to who you think you are, who you think everyone and everything else is in relation to you, and how you figure all that out: perception. If these thoughts are misaligned with reality, that can lead to confusion, conflict and even war in relationships.

It is a waste of time and energy to view others as anything more or less than your equal. The right-minded perception is every person is equal to you and every relationship is equally important. So be grateful for each person and each relationship.

Why relationships seem to go bad

All relational conflicts can be traced to the following:

• Seeing yourself as anything other than whole, perfect, and innocent
• Seeing anyone as anything other than your equal
• See anyone or anything else as separate from you

One of the more common relationship problems occurs when we think we can “own” another person. Thinking that you in some way can possess another is a sure formula for a troubled and unsatisfying relationship. Humans can’t own each other. They can, however, respect each other.

Yes, Mom & Dad, this applies to you. Parents can’t and don’t own their children. Children should be seen as gifts, temporarily in your care and entitled to your full appreciation.

Teach your children who you are. Are you a warmonger or a peacemaker? Are you spastic or steady? Are you a control freak, or do you go with the flow? They are watching, so be right.

Don’t beat yourself up if you’re wrong. Instead, laugh at yourself, and share your mistake with the child without fear of rejection. This is how you approach equality – by openly recognizing the futility of trying to be something you’re not.

The same concept applies to managers, supervisors and other bosses. Your staff is not really “yours.” Treat them as equals, and you might be genuinely surprised by both how you feel and by their reaction.

There is no limit to the application of equality. It applies to countries, businesses, teams, parents, children, friends, partners and spouses.

How to fix a relationship that seems to have gone bad

Be clear with yourself about how you see yourself and others. If you see inequality, you’ve discovered the problem. Here are some steps that will move you towards the awareness that puts you in charge:

• Look within. Ask yourself what your feeling of inequality (fear) is all about through an honest moment or two of silence. Are you somehow assigning blame or responsibility for your experiences to someone or something else? Remember, this is not about the other person, group or thing.
• Let it go. This step is easy when you are clear that your fear no longer serves you.
• Seek counsel. If you’re not clear on the reason for letting it go, talk to someone who does not have the same fear and find out why.

Remember, you can take charge of your awareness to choose healthier relationships. Understanding these choices and acting upon them will empower you to view others and the world around you with peace, compassion and understanding.

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